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“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” ~Oscar Wilde

“Choose me!” I heard the voice clearly as I sat across from my therapist one day in her office.

It was my fourth visit, and we were working through this feeling I had, like I was crying on the inside but nothing was coming out on the outside. I was explaining how this feeling had been recurring quite frequently lately and how my response was to ignore it and push through it.

In response to this, my therapist asked me, “What would happen if you attended to this feeling instead of pushing through?”

And that’s when it happened. A voice as clear as the greatest truth you’ve ever heard called out from my crying heart: “Choose me!” All the tears I had been crying on the inside began to fall down my cheeks.

From a young age, we are taught to consider others and put their needs above our own. Especially if we are raised in certain religious or cultural settings, this message can be prevalent from the beginning.

As babies, when we needed something, we’d cry, and our needs would be met. However, as we grew older, we started to receive messaging around being polite, not being selfish, or treating others as we wanted to be treated. Slowly, our needs became less important than the needs of those around us, and we learned to become more attuned to their needs than our own.

We learned that we were responsible for the well-being and happiness of others. Putting ourselves first became selfish and irresponsible and was met with resistance.

It’s a message we have been receiving for generations, which is why it is so hard to imagine choosing ourselves over others. It’s especially hard for women, who are often taught to put the needs of their family and community before their own.

The longer we ignore ourselves, the greater the toll it takes on our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

According to Deloitte’s Women @ Work: A Global Outlook report, 50% of women in this year’s survey describe their stress levels as higher than a year ago, and a similar number say they’re concerned or very concerned about their mental health.

Half of women who live with a partner and have children at home bear the most responsibility for childcare, which is up from 46% last year. And nearly 60% of women who are involved in the care of another adult say they take the greatest responsibility for this, a significant increase from the 44% who said so in 2023.

Given these alarming statistics, it’s no wonder that we feel exhausted, burnt out, and emotionally unwell. So how do we make a change? How do we heed the call of our inner knowing that longs for us to choose ourselves?

Let’s walk through the five steps that I took when I heard the call, which I continue to take every day to attend to my own well-being.

“Play is the stick that stirs the drink. It is the basis of all art, games, books, sports, movies, fashion, fun, and wonder—in short, the basis of what we think of as civilization. Play is the vital essence of life. It is what makes life lively.” ~Stuart Brown

Stuart Brown has written a wonderful book called Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul. In it, he walks through the science of play and how it fuels our happiness in life.

To witness this in your own life, take a walk around your neighborhood and observe children playing—running, hiding, screaming, and laughing. Their sense of freedom and inhibition is inspiring. Now think back to your childhood. What did you used to enjoy doing? What made you laugh? What made you feel alive? What made you lose track of time? What makes you feel calm now? What brings you joy?

Give yourself permission to find your interests and passions again. Make space for them in your day or week and watch yourself come alive.

“When everything is moving and shifting, the only way to counteract chaos is stillness. When things feel extraordinary, strive for ordinary. When the surface is wavy, dive deeper for quieter waters.” ~Kristin Armstrong

Making space in my day for stillness and reflection has become a key contributor to my overall well-being. This never used to be the case, but almost every day for the past six months, I’ve started my day with a ten-minute meditation and thirty minutes of journaling.

I wake up an hour before the rest of the family to fit this in, and it has become such a special time of my day that I find myself jumping out of bed instead of crawling.

There are numerous studies on how meditation and journaling are good for mental health, reducing our stress, enhancing our self-awareness, improving our sleep, and so on. I find that the more I take this time for myself, the more I crave it. Diving deeper into the quiet waters before the day begins keeps me grounded for the day ahead.

“If you don’t love yourself, nobody will. Not only that, you won’t be good at loving anyone else. Loving starts with the self.” ~Wayne Dyer

To counteract the messaging of giving to others, we need to remember the power in giving care to ourselves. In the words of Lalah Delia, “Self-care is how you take your power back.” We cannot continue to give and give and give until our well runs dry. That will benefit no one.

Dr. Kristin Neff is a research psychologist who studies self-compassion. Her book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself was a game-changer for me and showed me how closely self-care and self-esteem were related. It introduced me to the practice of treating myself with the same care and compassion I would offer a good friend.

In practice, self-care can look like adopting healthy lifestyle habits like going for walks, eating a healthy diet, getting a good amount of sleep, and following treatment plans. For me, it includes meditation, journaling, walking, getting regularly scheduled massages, having spa days, and spending time in nature. Find what works for you and build it into your schedule as best as possible.

“You are confined only by the walls you build yourself.” ~Andrew Murphy

When I think of limits, there are two questions that come to mind:

1. Where am I getting too comfortable, and how can I push myself out of that comfort zone?
2. What beliefs do I have about myself or my situation that are holding me back?

The first question challenges me to think about situations that would force me to be uncomfortable but would also enable me to grow.

In the words of Dr. Brené Brown, “Courage is like—it’s a habitus, a habit, a virtue: You get it by courageous acts. It’s like you learn to swim by swimming. You learn courage by couraging.” Read that one more time. You learn courage by couraging. Pushing your limits takes courage, but it’s only by doing this that we will learn how much bigger, stronger, and more powerful we can grow.

The second question challenges me to think about my own limiting beliefs. For this, I look to the work of Byron Katie, who challenges me to ask, “Is it true? Can I absolutely know that it’s true? How do I react when I believe that thought? Who would I be without that thought?” This framework has been life-changing for me and is an exercise I often bring to my journal. I encourage you to explore your thoughts and try to determine which beliefs are holding you back.

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” ~Carl Jung

I recently did a “future me” vision exercise that I found in the book Playing Big: Practical Wisdom for Women Who Want to Speak Up, Create, and Lead. Going through this exercise, I was introduced to my future self—where she lives, what she looks like, how she behaves, and how she got to where she is in life. It was a truly eye-opening experience and provided me with a vision of my true and higher Self. This is the me I wanted to be in twenty years, and now I had an example to follow.

Another way to create a vision for the life you want is to create a vision board. A vision board is a collection of images, drawings, and other visuals that represent your goals, dreams, and aspirations for your life. It’s something that you can pin on your wall or even keep on your phone to refer back to on a regular basis in order to keep you connected with who you want to be. It’s a powerful reminder to keep you on track.

Six months ago, I heard my inner wisdom calling out, “Choose me!” This marked the beginning of a transformative journey of unlearning societal norms and embracing the power of self-love. It has been a path of making space for myself—my play, my rest, my care, my beliefs, and my vision. While it may seem selfish on the surface, deep down, I feel my soul being nourished and my mind finding peace.

By prioritizing my well-being, I have discovered that I am more capable of showing up fully for those in my life—my partner, my child, my parents, my friends, and my community. Choosing yourself is not about neglecting others; it’s about ensuring you have the strength and clarity to be there for them. This journey has taught me that self-love is the foundation of a fulfilling and balanced life.

After all, isn’t that what it’s all about? Being the best version of ourselves so we can truly contribute to the well-being of those we love.

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